Hill Climber

I lived in Alaska for 18 years. If you know Alaska, you know it is one of our most beautiful frontier states with so many majestic mountains, hills and streams that it completely engulfs you to the point you can't do without them. It is an addiction. The whole 'climb a mountain because it is there' was my mantra during my time there. Not because I wanted to post a great feat or win a medal but because it brought to me the greatest feeling. The peace that only a mountain top can give. Call it a God like experience or call it zen. Or just call it good. My favorite mountain to hike up was Flat Top. It was one introduced to me by some co workers when I first arrived in Anchorage. It seemed everyone knew it. A favorite tourist hike and a locals retreat for peace, fun, and fitness. The first time I went up it, I was totally out of breath and it took probably 3 hours to ascend and descend. The picture is an April shot of going up the back side. It was icy and cold at the start but after 30 minutes, my core was heated enough that I had to remove my gloves and hat. The views were awesome at the top and the friends I went with dragged sleds up by rope. When we got to the top, we popped open a beer, sat enjoying the views, then climbed onto the sleds and took a ride I would probably never do again.

After several group climbs and bravery set in, I started to climb by myself. I would take the route most locals took and go during times when there were plenty of people. But there came a point where I didn't care if anyone was there, climbing or hiking alone just became easier and easier. Those times alone, I would sit and ponder my life. The sadness I knew as a child, I finally made peace with on some of those mountains. The blame I placed on myself or others dissipated. No longer was I a victim but I was someone who sat on a mountain above the view below and beneath the heavens above. God was with me yet he let me just be so that I could forgive myself and forgive others without pressure. This picture I loved because I was alone. Sitting on the side. Feet dangling. I remember thinking of the song "free falling". Toes pointed to the future whatever it may be. The expansive views just kept opening more and more.
I found myself divorced in Alaska. Many reasons for it and some may speculate why I would walk away from an 18 year marriage but it was the easiest thing to do as well as one of the hardest things to do. There was a moment I didn't think anyone really knew me as well as I didn't know myself either. I felt I was dead already. After the divorce, it took a few years to recognize who I wanted to be and what I needed to do to get to that place. That place for me was something many had gotten to earlier in their own lives but I was just finding it. Once I became awoken and okay, then I knew I was ready to find 'him' or the person I wanted to share my life with. The climb to that point was tough. I would reach a peak and see all that I loved about that peak and then decide that I needed to climb something else. Eventually I after much reflection about my own life and how I wanted to live it for me was I able and ready to meet the man of my life.

Then I met him and Agate. She was a wonderful friend to him and she embraced me. Once I settled into their lives, she became my hiking girlfriend. And I think Flat Top was her favorite as well. Treats and water packed, we would take to the mountain that gave back to me. I became her mommy when she was an old lady but I still remember as the first real dog that did things with me. She died in 2011. Tears still crop up when I think about how good she was to Chris and how welcoming she was to me. I don't think there will ever be a better companion dog. Maybe a love puddle or a snuggle pouch that outwits us, but not the Agate. The rock.

It seems as though every so many years, I find myself starting a new journey. I went from a small town Georgia girl running dirt roads to an Alaskan woman running races and hiking mountains, to now a mature adult Floridian dreaming of an endurance of a lifetime. No it doesn't have mountains but it so far has delivered a training plan that is just as much a climb as any mountain race I trained for or as much as any circumstance so far that I have faced. I suppose some may wonder why I or others sometime put ourselves into these moments by choice when there are so many other easier things to do to stay healthy physically or mentally. It is a drive that keeps you focused. Focused on the mountain, hill, or flat road that takes you beyond your comfort zone. It keeps you from dwelling on all the things that life tends to drag you down.

There will be a day, I suppose that I will no longer be able to do some of the things I do. Even though I don't do these things as well as many, I still enjoy the air I breath, the feeling of accomplishment, the joy of feeling the exertion of what my body can and sometimes can't do.......I still love getting to the top of the hills.

Knees

What is up with my knees?

First off, this will not be a complaining post.....

It is a legitimate question to ask why I am falling apart. Right? Don't we all do it as we getting older. Forget anatomy and physiology. I know that we grow old and eventually wear out the parts given to us one way or another. A heart doesn't beat the same as it did 30 years earlier and no longer can I lie on my stomach and touch the back of my head with my feet like I did when I was 15. Who knew back then that it was called "yoga". No one told me. I just found that I could run, jump, ride a bike and play sports to some degree. I wasn't a "real" athlete. Just a wanna be. Now I wish I had that elasticity and bounce back that I had then.

I signed up for an Ironman. It is in November. Yes, I am 55 years old and will be 56 on race day, but it doesn't matter. I am one of many who want it at my age. The deterioration of my body will get through it one way or another. The reason why is because my mind will take over.

When I was younger, I never felt I could accomplish something like an Ironman race. No one told me it was possible. The dreams of my teenage years was to get through school, go to college, and then move out of my parents home. I always just wanted my freedom. There were no physical goals at that time. Nothing to accomplish. I played softball. That was about as much physical as I got in competition. I really don't remember it being encouraged to seek out racing individually. That I believe is a newer concept since my youth.

In my twenties, I started out running near my home. Dirt roads and corn fields were my views. And I wasn't "training". I was just getting out for a run. And as far as shoes....not sure they were serious running shoes. I probably bought them because they were "in". Then came kids and I was a mom. Did mom things. It was about the kids. Not about me. That was what you do. No one ever talked to me about balance and nurturing yourself.

Around 35, I began putting on some weight. That is when I started running seriously. Then I found that it became addictive. Still, the seriousness of shoe structure never occurred to me. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I ran my first 5k and then it was all over. Running was my thing. I felt so much better when I did it. The cob webs cleared out. The dust was eliminated. I felt renewed. By the time I turned 50, I had divorced, remarried an "athlete", ran several 5ks, half marathons, and a few sprint triathlons.

My knees hurt today as I am entering a new phase. In the past, I was able to discover my love for running. Now I am discovering ways to keep that love from fading. Good health, taking care of my engine, repairing and resting when needed has become an important part of my life. Anatomy and Physiology is more important than ever. And a mind made up to pay attention to when my knees speak to me.

The same goes for the rest of my life. I will continue to run with it but every now and then I will stop, rest, repair and listen to what needs to take place next so that my knees won't hurt so much. Who knew I would be a smarter athlete today in my 50s.

Let Go and Breathe In

Another moment of letting go came up this weekend.

This time it was so surreal and easy to let go while I was reminded of the words used by myself and by others...I can only change my own thoughts, words, and deeds. I have no control over what someone else thinks, speaks, or does. With that, I tell my story of letting it go and not what I think the anyone else story may be but how I feel today after experiencing one sad moment among a multitude of wonderful moments. 

Am I happy? Yes! There is not a time in which I was more happy. Thinking on my life, the journey has gone through many ups and downs like most people. The handling of those ups and downs might be what gives that peace that is evident today. Tears came through many downs. Even bad behavior at times and probably acting out in ways that if a video of past bad moments existed, I would cringe with embarrassment. 

Throughout my journey, when something bad happened, did I handle every situation right? No, probably not. But can I change what I did. No, probably not. Can I try to do better? Yes! Can I forgive myself? Already have and here is why....

Happiness comes from knowing that I am a wonderful creation that continues to grow with every moment that is given. It is a happiness that can be shared but doesn't have to be. It just exists. Like air, you can decide to breath it in or move away and breath in a space that this happiness doesn't occupy. What I found this weekend is that my happiness collided with several others that are just as happy and at peace as I am. There were so many moments of nothing but smiles, hugs, and sharing what we remembered of each other. Many times there were no real discussions but just moments of love. 

So even during moments of happiness, a breath of sadness may invade. I compare it to walking on a beach, smelling the salty air, feeling the breeze and sun on my skin...then all of a sudden a dead fishy smell inhabits the air and a nasty sand gnat decides to take a bite. What do you do? You smack your skin and move on down the beach or get off the beach completely. Many times you won't even kill the gnat and it just moves on to bite another. But you still smacked yourself and you still may have a little red spot that has to heal. The next time you go to that beach, you won't forget your bug oil so that you can breath it all in without getting bitten. Yeah, you might wind up near a dead fishy smell again but eventually there will always be a beach section that is just what want. Breezy, calm, and sunny and the water just right to take a dip and submerge yourself in bliss. 

I can't change the weather or the dead fishy smells, or even the existence of sand gnats. I can only change where I walk on this beach and how I prepare for it. After much reflection, talks with a few of my favorite people, and remembering what kind of air I want to breath in....the view was much more peaceful, sunny, and fresh. 

Let go and breathe in the air that makes you happy. Any sting or bite can easily be healed or avoided with the right prep.

Squirrel

Squirrel....
My attention span varies these days. I find myself working on a project and I wonder into the next room to put something away from that project and then I squirrel. Another idea pops comes into focus that is much more important. I am not sure where I get this from and not really sure I exhibited this characteristic while I was employed. I will apologize now to my former employers and co-workers. I probably drove them crazy.

But it is really a negative? Maybe my husband can be the authority on this answer since he is the recipient of my squirreling moments. And as we all have heard or experienced it, married people tend to start behaving alike so maybe he just is squirreling as well and will have no comment on mine. Just beware of the moments if you happened to stray into my path.

The last time I squirreled was today. I was looking up something online. Now I can't even remember what I was originally was searching for but within 30 minutes I found myself drooling over homes for sale in Tuscany. Now how did I get there? Oh, I remember....Facebook > Tiny Homes post > Beach Homes on Zillow near me > then Italy web sites showing villas for sale. Naturally drawn click by click. Squirreling may just be another name for day dreaming. Thinking of things when stress in no longer a part of your life.

There are activities that reduce the amount of squirreling I engage in. Such as a good book. Since entering my sabbatical, I have picked up reading again. The books range from philosophical to romantic intrigue keeping my attention and allowing me to relax and let go. Also there have been a few television shows that Chris and I have been able to marathon through several episodes.

Door Bell and a signature to FedEx

Okay, three hours later and many squirrel moments but I accomplished some cleaning, cooking, washing Bella for the 2nd time today (that is another story).

Do you have squirrel moments? Or do you have just a busy day that keeps you from squirreling or maybe even day dreaming. I just looked over my pc and noticed a beautiful heron in flight over the lake landing across the way. Standing there in the sun, calm, waiting.....oh, and there's a squirrel leaping off the tree.

Hanging upside down on a monkey bar

Do you remember doing it? I do, although there were several different types of equipment in the school playground allowing myself and other children altered angles to our world. Yea, I remember the swing-sets, the seesaws, the merry go rounds, as well as the monkey bars. The monkey bar was my favorite by far. If you think about it, a set of monkey bars could completely change how you see the world.

On the swing-set, you could power yourself back n forth going as high as you want while imagining you were flying. Many times I would just swing and sing songs. There isn't really a lot of effort involved as long as your feet touch the ground. Of course there were the small swings and the larger ones for the bigger kids. With my long limbs, it wasn't hard to decide which one I glided back and forth on while singing "Raindrops keep falling on my head..." There were a few times I fell out of the swing but it was usually when I was attempting some type of trick like leaning way back and lifting my legs around the chains. The best part of that was most times there were enough dirt under you when you came flipping out to keep from having too many scrapes. The sky always seemed so big above and the landings normally smooth with a leap out of the seat.

The seesaws were a little more tricky because it required a partner. It wasn't like you could go to the park by yourself and seesaw endlessly. It took the power of another sitting on the other end and powering with kicks to push yourself up in the air while waiting for your friend to do the same. I loved it when we attempted balancing even if  our weights were different. The only accidents involved would be when a mischievous friend would jump off the end to send you crashing down on your booty. Seesaws were fun but your imagination was limited dependent on the other person.

Then there were the merry go rounds. Most of the time, I was the pusher and even today there is a reason for me to stay off the spinning Caterpillar ride at the annual fair. Every now and then it was camaraderie to join my friends on the wooden ride but I hated it if the pusher was strong enough to spin it so fast that vertigo set in. Yet with a good strong pusher, the ride filled to capacity if enough were around. If I went to the playground alone, the ride was okay because you could spin it and jump on and never really have to worry about it getting out of control. The only pain I remember from it was the occasional hit of the bars if you got too close or weren't paying attention. The old wooden one in the school play ground now seems like a torture wheel and I would be hard pressed to put my grandchild on it.

Then there are the monkey bars which come in different shapes. There are the kinds that many athletes use today in competitions such a Ninja Warrior shows or Spartan Races. They look like three ladders connected. Two vertical and one horizontal on top. There are the complex kind with many bars connected to form rectangles and square configurations to climb all over, in, and out. Then there are the octagon or dome shaped ones. That was my favorite because you could imagine yourself a house, cocoon, or a fort. Or it could quickly become a mountain to trek over and see the whole expansive play ground. And every now and then you could practice your hanging upside down skills. The best part of that was it didn't have to start from the top bars. The feat could be attempted from the lower bars giving the feeling of safety and confidence to proceed higher. All it took was to loop your legs in and over the bars and slowly allow yourself to look down. And if you fall, it was normally a sandy ground stirred up by the others that did it as well. You could do it alone or along side a friend. It didn't require any coordination other than just holding on with your legs. Smiles ensue and giggles begin. Blood rushing to your head as you recognize the earth below and the rest of your body pretends to be walking on clouds. Moments of clarity and still being quite aware that you can't do it forever but that you have done it for now. The world upside down.

Some may only enjoy the feeling of swinging back and forth, leaning back, eyes open, watching only the sky above. Looking ahead and far into the atmosphere above allowing day dreams and aspirations of where to go or who to be. Many may want to have the balance of seesawing and the dependence of another to not fall or fail. The weight will determine the impact of the fall. And there are those who can enjoy the spin, dizzily enjoying the feeling of a world spinning round and round with an occasional stop before the next strong push.

Looking at the world upside down was the moments on the playground that I remember the most. It was the moments that not everyone tried to capture. For me, swinging fueled my dreams, seesawing developed the importance of connecting and keeping a balance, and the merry go rounds invoked the sense of power of one for many. But the monkey bars allowed me for a few moments to not see things as they really are. To take a moment for a different perspective. Just hanging there for a moment. Nothing important to think about but only a giggle, a smile at the upside down world. A world made right by just grabbing the bars and pulling yourself back up.

Let Go

     So it has been 4 months since I left my job. I haven't missed a meal. Nor have I missed those costly espressos. And needless to say, I haven't missed getting in office casual dress wear and driving in to sit in a small cubicle space without windows to listen to long teleconference calls that very often left me wondering why I was on the call.
     Yes, I enjoyed the money, the building of my retirement, and sometimes the adult exchanges with good friends on not only work topics but also our own philosophical discussions. Today, I spend most of my time talking to dogs. They listen really well.
     Yes, I miss the challenges of creating new ways of documenting within a very complex system that supposedly should help in the overall care of patients. That was my main reason for leaving the clinical nurse arena and becoming an analyst. I believed in the product. And yes, I miss the fixes and the accolades from successfully navigating through the medical professional world of data. But the moments I miss the most were the occasional  email which would come in from someone you were not expecting, that acknowledged how important you were as a member of a team. The real human emotion of gratitude.
     Today, I receive word that a dear friend from my youth and my young adult life passed away. My first thoughts go out to her family and neighbor friends who cared so deeply for her as she entered this last phase of life and subsequently passed into the next. I reflect and have decided I have no regrets and no desire to entertain chaos in my life and to set this thinking as a memorial to her. And as I remember her, I once again reach out to memories that have directed me to be open and ready to let go of things that do not make me smile and embrace opportunities that give more life to an already abundant life. You see, I came to Florida knowing I would see old friends again, but I didn't think that a death of one would come so quickly. She had been a friend from long ago and somehow we reconnected only a few months ago. That is when see told me about her condition.
     If I had continued to work or seek other work, I may not have gone to visit her and would have missed a last moment to say I love you face to face. I would have probably put it off thinking I had time. She taught me more in the last two months that many friends have in a multitude of years. The most memorable thing she said to me recently is "I had a good life, I am okay with this." I hope to pass that on with living the life towards this.
     Now, not everyone has the opportunity to take a break from work but everyone has the opportunity to change how they think. I recognize how fortunate I am to have been given this time to think on good things, to care, to listen, and to be thankful and I really believe I allowed work to interfere with allowing this. When my husband first mentioned coming to Florida, I knew right away I would no longer be working at the same place and that starting over with a new organization might take some getting use to. That is how I approached this move. Never once did I really think I wouldn't be working by January 2016. Taking the rest of last year off was easy but as the end of the year neared, I began to become a little anxious about money, how quickly technology changes, how much I might forget, and if I could get a job like I had. I allowed doubt and negativity to start. Then when I faced the reality of how quickly life in general can change, how quickly your health can go, and how quickly you can lose a loved one that I then decided to stop and breath just a little more. Breathing comes easily without effort. Life should too.  I stopped fretting and I let go.
     There are some that would have described me as a workaholic up until I left my position. There may be some that wonder if I am bored by not working and wonder when I will return. Maybe later. For now I believe I have been given this time to just let go. It is something not given to many and I am thankful that I have the option for now. So I should take it.
    One of my favorite quotes is from Ray Bradbury, "love what you do, and do what you love." But the rest of that quote is this, "Don't listen to anyone else who tells you not to do it. You do what you want, what you love. Imagination should be the center of your life.” 
     I imagine that this year is the year for me to grow in ways no one else can imagine. Watch me as I let go. You can too. 

   


   

   
   

My Running Dogs

Running with Bella and Bodhi

     The best part of moving to sunny Florida (besides the beaches, the warm weather, the flip flops) is the running outside. At least for me. Oh, I still use my treadmill. Yes, there are still some of us crazy runners who use a treadmill for what it is built for instead of a clothes rack. But running on it in my garage back in Anchorage became almost a chore. I knew I needed to run but there were days that the icy roads, the winter darkness, and the critters that roamed my neighborhood made it easier to jump on my trusty treadmill. The biggest drawback to using one is only one at a time can run on it and my dogs just give me the ho hum look. They wait patiently while they hear the belt move, the music play, the beeps when I change incline or increase speed. Then when the motor stops, that is their cue that I am done and hopefully they get their long awaited attention from mom.

I love running with them most days but I have had to change how much I run with them for the following reasons.

In our Florida neighborhood, they must be on a leash. I think this is reasonable considering the traffic. There aren't many sidewalks but the streets are wide enough for plenty of room for me and the pups as long as they stay with me. But I can't count on that and I want them safe so say they stay on the leash.


We would use the leashes occasionally on the Anchorage hillside neighborhood but most days we could trust them to stay with us. Especially running them off leash on the trails. Bella (the Jack) occasionally had to be put back on but Bodhi (the Angel Lab) was for the most part a loyal runner. So the habit of running with them is more less always with a leash. Here lies the problem. Have you ever tried running two dogs with leashes? It sounds easy. If you think it is, let me loan you my two dogs for a try out. They love it and have no problem wanting to go even it if means a leash. Bella tends to resist the application of her harness but eventually she gives in when she started realizing I would leave her behind if she didn't get it on. Both run fairly well together even though there is an obvious difference in the length of their legs. Bodhi is such a great sprinter. She can fly when she is chasing down balls or flying through the air to catch a Frisbee. But when running on leash, she sets a nice pace with whomever she is next to. Bella on the other hand, she is the muscle. That is why I put a harness on her. Before the harness, she pulled so hard that it looked like she was always choking. With the harness, she still has an extreme pull but you don't have to listen to her hacking as she is running.

So why do I not run them each day I run? First of all, I am not really that fast anyhow but they are. They actually tend to run best with Chris. His pace is much faster and keeps them from getting side tracked by smells and squirrels. Yes, the once or twice a week that I take them out, I find my pace picks up a little and I normally love it when they do decide to stop to sniff a fire hydrant. So when I decide to run with them, it has to be on a short run day for me or either I run with them out and back two miles and allow them to do what ever they want. Stop, sniff, poop, but still they aren't allowed to drag me chasing squirrels. Once we were running along and one of many squirrels that taunt them ran out across the road. Needless to say, Bella is the first to dart towards them. Then Bodhi gets her excitement on and pulls even harder. I wouldn't say I am terribly weak and I can restrain Bella at that moment but not Bodhi. When the moment came that the taunting squirrel crossed the road, Bella pulled and them Bodhi pulled and then mama followed. An Angel was watching over us as a car was also coming. From now on, I hold Bodhi leash with one finger and Bella's with a tighter grip. After talking with a friend about her back injury from one of her dogs pulling her quickly, I decided if I wanted to keep them running, then I would need to figure out the safest way. I stay off busy streets, and stop them regularly if more cars are coming by. As for the squirrel chasing, I take them to the off leash park near by. The squirrels still taunt them there.